In lieu of the devestating news of Robin Williams apparent suicide I would like to open up a conversation that embarks the concept and the horror of the whole suicide subject. Suicide. What is it? That is something most adults understand. It is the act of killing oneself through drastic means, such as hanging, like in Mr. Williams case, or by using a gun, overdose on medications, cutting oneself in a particular vein in the wrist or stabbing or jumping off a bridge or out of a high rise building. There are many people who understand what it is like to feel suicidal. There also are many people who can not comprehend why anyone would even consider it. I would like to shed some light on how a person feels who is truly suicidal.
Imagine yourself sitting in a hole that you felt was somehow dug by your own mind. You don’t know how you got there but you know there is no escape. The hole is very deep and it is filled with darkness and no light whatsoever. You are alone. At first all you can think about is “I will never get out of this hole, ever.” The hole becomes darker until it is pitch black and you can’t see anything. You become blind to the rest of the world. The problem is you can feel yourself breathing, moving, and very much alive but you begin to wonder how you are going to remain alive while going through certain emotions that begin to reign in your mind. Taunting thoughts invade so strongly, so powerful and so very, very negative that; there you are…it feels like what hell is described to be in the Bible. A place of torture. What are you thinking at this point? “I am alone.” “I am worthless.” “I am hopeless, helpless and unable to speak.” The doom pours throughout your soul (your mind, your will and your emotions). “There is only one way out and that would be death!” So you begin to devise a plan. How can you do this without suffering too much. There are many weapons that show up all around you and your blindness is lifted just enough to see the weapons. There is a gun. A rope. A large bottle of pills. Looking further you see your car and a pipe that could be put into the car and therefore, blowing the fumes into the car you will be sitting in. Suddenly a bottle of alcohol appears. You begin to single out a personal plan. Drink the bottle of alcohol then shoot yourself with the gun.
This is your plan and you begin to drink the alcohol. Suddenly, out of nowhere a light shows another person next to you, a friend or family member and a relief floods your soul. The person is saying “I love you! Don’t do it!” “Things will get better! This too shall pass!” Hummmm…hope? You listen. It sounds good but soon the person then disappears and you go back to your plan believing those beautiful words came from someone who really didn’t care. How could they? You don’t care about yourself. There is only one way out of this hole, just one. Suicide.
On the other side of the coin, there are those who are in a psychotic state to the other extreme. The fear that the end of the world is eminent and you have a part to play with this “END” scenario. The fear is overwhelming and all signs point to this horrible feat that you are chosen to endure. It is too much for you. The responsibility is way over what you feel capable of. There is no way out in your mind except one. Suicide.
To apologize for these negative images I would not be doing justice to those of us who have thought about the act of suicide. It is not an easy subject to tackle.
There is a way out, though, and a person can live a life of “normalcy” after going through this emotional pain. Nothing stays the same forever and if the person just holds off, he or she can get out of the hole and feel good again…wanting to live and doing well. I used to feel such injustice when I was suicidal. No body wanted me dead except for myself. Why, then did I truly want myself dead? The Bible teaches that Satan came to “kill, Steal and destroy” (us) but Jesus wants to give you “an abundant life”. I have learned, over time, that following Jesus gave me a brand new life! One that shows me I do not have to go near that dark hole ever again, let alone fall into it! What a freedom to know that the trap has been removed! GOD REIGNS!!!