People are afraid to ask questions about mental illness because it is a “taboo” subject.  It is easier for them to just say “Wow! That person is REALLY crazy!” The media portrays the people who murder others as being psychotic or lunatic-ish. The truth is most of them are CRIMINALLY insane or sociopaths. The average mentally ill person would be much more apt to hurt themselves than to hurt others. Let me give you a few examples. But wait a minute, first off the definition for psychosis is basically “Loss of contact with reality”. However, every one on the earth have their own reality of how they see the world around them. When we agree with what is seen by our own eyes then we are considered “normal”. A hallucination is something that can occur that comes from any of our five sense: sight (most common), hearing (second most common), smelling, tasting and/or touching. A “delusion” is a thought that is out of reality. Strangely enough, a psychotic person may or may not share out loud what their delusional thoughts are. In most instances a person can not remember what they thought or hallucinated about until days, weeks and even months after the episode of being psychotic. The only explanation I have for that is it is like having a different brain for a time.

When I was psychotic I believed that everything that was happening around me had something to do with ME! When a friend lost their three year old to a brain tumor, I believed it was my fault! When the television was on I listened and believed that the message that it was portraying was talking specifically to me! One night I was watching a rerun of Sanford and Son and I thought “surely this comedy won’t talk to me.” BUT ALAS Fred Sanford himself began sending me messages. It was scary!!!

I can honestly say that I never heard voices in my head but the negative thoughts could become very loud. Those thoughts were painful. Interesting, a painful thought. Seriously? Yes! Fantasy. I would sit for hours on end planning my own funeral, obsessing over the details. The brown wooded casket, the blue dress, the red lipstick, the empty shell of my young body. Thinking about it actually helped me get through the “painful thoughts” because, to me, it was the only way out! Then I would get an eye-opener back to reality. How? Well, one time my brother-in-law told me he would NOT come to my funeral if I committed suicide. He told me he would be mad at me because of how much my family were there to help me. What? Keith wouldn’t be there? Hummm, maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all. (this shows you how important it is to TALK about suicide!)

The mind is a very interesting and important part of our being. When your mind “leaves town” so to speak it can cause all sorts of havoc. I never thought of hurting anyone else physically, but I know my family and friends were hurting when they saw me hurting. Would it hurt you to see your brother or sister tied down in leather straps to a hospital gurney begging you to untie them? Yes, it hurts them…and I am sorry that they had to go through it but what would I have done without them? The love shined through the delusions. The “I care about you.” words when I didn’t care about myself meant the world to me.

I honestly believe that if God had not put me into my family of origin I would not be here today. Why? Because ALL of them at one point or another would make me promise them I wouldn’t commit suicide. “Promise me!” I didn’t want to break a promise, but it was one whale of a battle AND I certainly did try, but by the grace of God I did not succeed and I can thank my family, my friends and the good Lord for that.

Currently, I am completely set free from any and all thoughts of harming myself or being psychotic. I had over a decade of normalcy…then a major medication adjustment in 2006. I got back on track in 2007 and, praise God have had normalcy ever since. Normal. People question the word, but I know what it means and I LOVE IT! Thank you, Jesus! Thank you to my family of origin and my friends who stuck by me!!! “I am alive and well and your spirit is within me.” (song) God Bless all who read this!!!